(July 5 2016)
Musings on a sunlit afternoon in autumn.
Little did I know, when I met him for the first time that, we would meet often and that his presence would have a great influence on how I perceived life.
"You aren't letting yourself go… You aren't writing what you actually want to… What you actually need to…and it is bruising your soul.."He said it so often that it sounded like the truth.
It actually was the truth, well yes, partly it was.. I feared to let go…
"Look at this Canvas,"
We were standing in front of an array of oil on canvas paintings, and then he pointed towards an auburn canvas depicting a intensely hazy morning.
"What about it, "I asked.
"It's so like you.."he said.
"Like me…? Explain… "
"What do you see when you look at it…?" He asked, directly looking into my eyes.
'The question itself was unnerving enough,' I thought, steering clear from his glare into the haze of the painting.
It was a misty morning that so often reminded you of sadness, of November.…of tears… There was a woman with her back towards me and maybe she was staring far into the distance or maybe she was crying.She must have been crying for her demeanor betrayed her…
"You didn't answer,"I could hear him speaking from afar…
"It's a hazy morning"I told him.. A part of me not wanting to elaborate. And he understood.
"That's why I said you're holding back yourself, You are trying to be as elusive as the painting. . You know how to look beyond the canvas and yet you don't want to speak it out…Does it hurt you a lot?"
"There…"I sighed" Why could he look through me."
The midnight was closing in on me…and I was wide awake…His words kept me awake…long after the moon shied away from earth and the twinkling stars melted into the bosom of the warm night.. He didn't realize that I had no option but to hold back…It wasn't easy keeping a storm inside a fragile little bottle and I was doing just that. It would be devastating. I knew it would be and he knew it too. ..or maybe he didn't realize the repercussions of letting it go…or he , maybe, had too much faith in my skills…Maybe he thought I could overcome that too…!
"Write it down…!"
I wish I could. ..and then I could destroy it….
Why wouldn't I write it down and then destroy it…
What if it came out too good…It would be hard to kill it all then…
Words were like babies…born after long labor pains of the soul…They couldn't be killed. It would be harder. .. You couldn't kill what you had lived through...
He said that people had done it…
"I once watched a movie where the protagonist was an artist. ..He had some amazing talent…but he'd destroy his work after creating it…, What would you make of him…?"
"A masochist…., "I had answered him…
But deep down I knew better. ..Oh what pain he must have gone through killing each one of his begottens…! Oh what immense tribulations.…!
He could steer me into the tumultuous ocean..I knew he could and then I'd have to be on my own…I wasn't as strong as he believed me to be…
To let it go… To let go what you love the most and then to watch it disappear into the thick fog of time… It was like you would lose sight of it before you had the heart to lose it. You'd miss it long after it was gone..
Why do we meet and part… Why at all do we meet those whom we know we could never hold on to. .. whom we would have to leave halfway and then move on in life….!
"See the immensity, During the floods all became one..water, muck, dirt and gold..and yet we prod on this earth with pride.The best for me would be having it all and yet having no qualms in giving it up.It is the soul that needs to be enriched..the body just needs to be nourished, and hence the old masochist, as you called him, who lived it all and gave up all.."
I couldn't disagree with such apotheosis. He made giving up sound so easy…
But was it…?
Or it is actually once you have had it all…?
The painting kept on haunting me for quite a few months and then I decided to talk to him…
" I've decided to speak it out…rather write it down..
I'm under a kind of spell, a hypnosis of sorts…so I feel I might write it down. ..It would be easier that way..but then I couldn't burn it…You'd have to do it for me…"
"Why do have to put a clause on everything…?" He asked agitated.
"because I couldn't do it myself, "I answered ignoring his question.
"You want to live it all without having to bear the burden of suffering the loss…?, What does that make you…?"
"A hypocrite…!" I smiled.